The Laziest Blogger on Earth

Yes, that's me. I'll catch you up quickly. My first literary agent, who kept telling me, "Don't change a word" of Revenge of the Soccer Moms got me four or five rejection letters from publishers, and then disappeared. Or maybe she thinks I disappeared. In any case, I've spent the last two years using what I've learned at nine summers of the Iowa Summer Writing Festival (holy crap, nine years?) to rewrite my novel and I'm ready to find a new agent. This time, I'm going to ask a few questions. Last time, I was so happy to have someone offer to represent me that I didn't ask anything.  What questions? Here are a few:

1. Do you make your primary living as a literary agent? 

Actually, that covers a lot of ground. Maybe I'll also ask if she/he owns a home, rents, or lives under an overpass.  

Submitting Again

I had a fantastic time at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival again this year. Both classes I took were about memoirs and personal essays, and I learned a lot. Don't tell my husband or kids, but next year I want to spend two weeks, instead of 8 days, and take two week-long classes. I also want to stay in the Brown Street Inn, a wonderful B&B where there were freshly baked cookies waiting for us every evening, and decadent breakfasts.

How will I justify this? How will I pay for it?  In case the whole Lottery Thing doesn't work out, I am now actively submitting my memoir-ish personal essays to magazines. The first one, called "Weeds," will go out in Monday's mail to Redbox. I expect rejections, but on the advice of my instructors, I'm starting with the Big Fish. If they don't appreciate my raw genius, I'll step down to less famous publications, until I get a YES. Then, I hope a little publishing success will help me work back up to the Big Boys.

I'm pretty pumped about this. I received wonderful feedback from classmates and my instructors in Iowa, and it's time to make something happen.

Wish me luck.

Rethinking My Plans for World Domination

Okay, so getting published isn't exactly world domination, but it's not much easier. A few nights ago I was browsing other people's writing blogs, and came across one written by a published writer who gave his opinion on e-publishing. Now, that's basically self-publishing, but without the basement full of books that you end up having to give away or turn into doorstops.

His opinion was clear--the traditional publishing world is in turmoil, and if you have a good piece of writing, just shut up and get it out into the world. If you're not ready for prime time, and the world of agents and editors has told you this, and you won't listen, well, take up knitting or stamp collecting. BUT, if you really are good and just can't get anybody's attention because so many publishing houses are going out of business and your name isn't Madonna, then take matters into your own hands.

It didn't hurt that he gave two examples of writers who offered their e-books for $.99 and have both made over a million dollars. I'm in this for the love of writing AND the money, so that didn't hurt at all.

I am going to seriously consider withdrawing Revenge of the Soccer Moms from my agent, since our contract is officially up, and educating myself on the best way to present an e-book. I have already learned that a professional front cover for the virtual book is essential, but that's fairly obvious. I found a link to a company that designs such things, and I'm going to contact them.

If I do this, I'll have to stop turning my pointy nose up at self-published authors, but I love the idea of selling downloads for $.99 and making lots of money.

I also like the idea of banishing the snooty editor from my psyche who tells me I'm not good enough, and writing what I want to write, just for me and my readers. I worry too much about what "the experts" will say about my work, which shuts me down. I suspect that real people will like my writing and find it funny and entertaining. If I take out the middle men and go directly to readers, I think I can enjoy writing and make money. What fun!

Rejection Should be Aerobic, Too

My agent sent an e-mail about another rejection of Revenge of the Soccer Moms. I don't want to stop working on The Dead Mothers' Club, but I know I need to revise Revenge. It's undisciplined--the best word I can come up with--and I'd like to shorten it, tighten up the switches in point of view, etc. On the other hand, maybe Dead Mothers' will be published first and be a great success, and then the world will be more accepting of my style.

Why Isn't Writing Aerobic?

I'm in my 2nd week of Weight Watchers on-line, and I keep looking for "novel writing" on the list of point-burning exercises. It seems to me that when I spend hours painfully chopping extraneous words, digging through mountains of prose to remove cliches and forced humor, and sweating bullets to create heart-pounding plot lines, I should earn at least a point or two.

Oh crap, that "sweating bullets" line probably cost me. No treats for me today.

Anyway, I lost 4 pounds my first week! I'd like to be gorgeous on my book jacket. Maybe I'll be the first author to pose in a bathing suit for the back cover. Actually, I'll be happy to achieve my ultimate goal of having only one chin and NOT fake it by resting my head on my hand. Seriously, look at portraits and watch for the women who pose with their chins on their hands, looking winsomely at the camera. THERE'S A SECOND CHIN BEHIND THAT HAND.

Somebody Hum the Theme to "Rocky"

I'm forcing myself back into my current novel, The Dead Mothers' Club, and feeling really good about it. I have a long way to go, but I'm feeling more capable. I can tell what works and what doesn't, and I'm anxious to grab moments here and there to actually sit down and write! In fact, I'm going to write a quick post for "The Cranky Caregiver" because my mother and Betty are down in the kitchen having one of those surreal conversations that make me want to bang my head again a wall, and then I'm going to finish another scene!

Making a Scene

I heard some advice in Iowa that scared me. One of the most experienced instructors said that when it's time to revise her novels, she prints out the current draft, then DELETES THE FILE FROM HER COMPUTER, and rewrites "from scratch." This prevents her from calling up the previous draft and just skimming the surface of revision, changing a word here or there, etc.

I'm not sure I have that level of nerve. I'm going to try to rewrite without looking at the previous draft, one scene at a time, with word limits on each scene. But delete the previous draft, with all its golden words and phrases? All that incredible verbage? KILL MY DARLINGS, as they say?

I'm going to try not looking... don't think I can hit the DELETE FILE button...